89. Just Say No

In this episode of the Curate Your Life podcast, host Temetria discusses the challenges and importance of learning to say no. She shares personal experiences and explains how saying no without justification is crucial for personal happiness and authenticity. Temetria highlights the concept that 'no' is a complete sentence and emphasizes the need to honor one’s own desires and boundaries. She also offers practical advice for handling requests, whether via email or in person and encourages self-reflection to avoid people-pleasing and resentment. To continue the discussion, find Temetria on Instagram @coachtemetria and share your thoughts and challenges with saying no. 

00:00 Introduction to Curate Your Life Podcast

00:17 The Struggle of Saying No

02:14 Understanding the Power of No

04:23 Aligning Actions with Your Vision

07:46 Practical Tips for Saying No

09:18 Conclusion and Invitation to Connect

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Transcript

0:00

Welcome to the curate your life podcast with Temetria where we focus on creating the life you've been dreaming of. One goal at a time so that you can make the rest of your life, the best of your life. All right. Y'all. Hi. Why is it so hard to say no? So I got a request the other day from someone and it took me a long time of thinking about it, using some quotes. To finally get to telling them no. And I knew that I didn't want to do it. But I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Now as a coach, I know I can't control how someone feels. Their feelings will be hurt or not based on what they think about my response. Not my actual response. And if I had said yes, it would have been from a place of people pleasing. So I took some time to think about it. And when I say, think about it, I was really just ruminating and playing out scenarios in my mind. Because I knew what the answer was. The answer was no. And this was an email. So I knew I could take that time or felt somewhat comfortable taking that time. To form my response or to work out how I felt about my response, because like I said, I knew the answer was no. So I had a few days to spin because that's what an amount of two was spinning because it wasn't email, but in person you don't always have that time to take a beat. And think about what you really want to say. Or to honor that part of yourself that knows she wants to say no. And we will say yes on the fly to people please or not to experience. Any discomfort in that moment. And then later on, we beat ourselves up about saying yes to something that we didn't really want to agree to. So we have that discomfort, the discomfort of not having our own back and beating ourselves up on top of it. And this is something that we often struggle with as women. I think we're getting better. I think we recognize now that we can let go of the good girl syndrome and be honest about and advocate for what we want. And I don't know about you, but even as a 50 something woman, and as a coach, I still sometimes struggle with saying no, because I want people to be happy and I honestly do want people to be happy. But that's not in my power. People are in charge of their own happiness. So we, I need to remember that. And be mindful about asking myself, what do I truly want in this situation? Do I want to honor this request and why? And the question that started me down this rabbit hole and started me thinking about this was one that came out of the blue and it was perfectly fine that the question was posed. I believe in asking for what you want. That's a way to get it. Just make the request, ask for what you want. I just didn't want to have to say no. But I also know that we need to be able to say no to someone when necessary. So we can say yes to ourselves and that's possible to do, and for both parties to still be okay in the situation. And it took me a long time to formulate my response. Because I wanted to give some reasons or to give some justifications as to why I was saying no. And then I just decided that the answer was no, because the answer was no. And I didn't need to give any reasons or justifications for my answer. And thinking about it now, they didn't give any reasons or justification for their ask. Right? To remember that you can just say no and you don't have to justify or give any reasons for it. And again, I'm reminding myself of this as much as I'm reminding y'all. And I often think about the fact that Oprah said no is a complete sentence. And actually know is part of the curate your life process, knowing what doesn't fit the vision. Knowing what doesn't fit into your dream, what doesn't work for, what you want for your life. And for right now that requests doesn't work for me. It doesn't fit what I'm doing. It doesn't add to the visions. So it to know. The curate your life process is create the vision or get the vision and really tap into. Your why, why you want that thing? And then you subtract anything or you don't do things or don't add things that don't fit that vision of what you want for your life. You take away or eliminate the experiences, the people, the activities. That don't fit that vision. And then you start to do the things that do fit that vision you bring in the people. You start to cultivate the relationships that fit the vision. You start to do the activities that will bring you closer to that vision. You start to become the person who is that vision, who is living that vision. So what I want you to take away from this. And again, what I'm reminding myself of is. No is a complete sentence. If it's not a hell yes. From the start, but you still feel like you have to say yes. Ask yourself. Why? Do you feel obligated and explore that? Why do you feel that way? Is it something you want? I mean, there are things that I feel obligated to do, but I want to do them. I signed on for the obligation and one that I can think of is volunteering with rodeo Austin. I signed up for that. I'm invested in their mission of providing scholarships. So I took on that obligation and I feel good about it. I say yes, often when it's something for rodeo. But if you feel obligated and resentful, then that is probably a sign that you should say no. Or are you trying to make someone happy and it's at the expense of your happiness, then that's probably a sign that you should say no. At this sane. And it may sound awful to you, but it occurred to me a few years ago yeah, one of us is going to have to be unhappy. It doesn't necessarily have to be me. And you may cringe at that. But I had to really think about that in a situation. I'm like, you know what? Somebody's not going to be happy here. Why does it have to be me and. I decided in that instance and several times since then, If it's coming down to you, our meat being unhappy. It does not necessarily have to be me. And there may be times where I will say, okay, I will make that sacrifice or I will be okay with not being thrilled with the decision. Or the way things turn out, but that doesn't always have to be me sacrificing or not being the one thrilled or making the accommodations for something. So that may be a gauge that you can use to decide if you want to say yes or no. If you're tying to make somebody else happy and it's at the expense of your own happiness, does it need to be you who's unhappy. And I will say this last request, it was easier for me to take the time and space to think about it and to form my response because it was email. But you can also do this in person. You can say something like, Hey, I need a minute to think about it. Let me get back to you. Especially if the question or the request is out of the blue. And it's something that's going to cost you energy or time or resources. That you're not prepared or willing. Or wanting to expend, you can say it's a no for now. But only say that if it's something that you truly want to consider in the future, because more than likely they will probably keep coming back with the request. The most important thing to do is to do a gut check. Tap into the response that you feel in your body. Where you caught off guard. Did your stomach just do a little flip? Did your ears get hot? Those things happened to me when I put in my body is like reacting to something, but notice, what was your gut reaction? Honor that lean into trusting yourself and having your own back. The temporary discomfort of say no. Is better than the discomfort of beating yourself up for saying yes. Resenting the person for asking. And dreading the thing that you agreed to do. Okay. So that is what I have for you today. And I know this is big for some of us, so I would love to hear your thoughts on this. Come over to Instagram. I'm coach Temetria over on Instagram. Come over and let me know how you feel about this, how you feel about no. And if you know that you struggle with this, and it's something that you have a hard time with and you'd like some help with. Schedule a consultation. I would love to talk to you about it and to help you get to a place where you can say yes or no. From an authentic place, a place such genuine from you and a place that's in service of you. And the other person. Okay until next time.